LA-LA Love.

A friend of mine tied the knot recently to an extremely wonderful woman. It was unusual to see as I long thought he would have a destiny as a bachelor. He is extremely active and addicted to life, I didn't think that he would ever have a need for normallacy or domestic bliss. A lovely beachside ceremony was performed, cake was cut and rings were exchanged. In LA LA Land people take great pride in their commitments to eachother. People commission artwork, dedicate trees in the rainforrest, even tattoo partner's names on their ringfingers. My friend and his bride chose other methods to rejoince in their vows. Both drive very sexy automobiles, hers a zippy little thing his a butch truck. These love tokens are on their rear windows.

A-Holes, B-Sides, C-Words, D-Lists, and N-Words; How Can We Abrevi-Hate?

Michael Richards' recent tirade at the Laugh Factory has touched off a firestorm of intergalactic vocabulary lessons that the world cannot seem to avoid, with Jesse Jackson on your side how can you space out in class? The comedian made an a-hole out of himself using d-list slurs on the b-side of his show. He was being heckled by some rowdy Angelenos and resorted to not so g-rated material. The phonevideo of the event was made an e-vent on Sunday and spread across the internet like wildfire. Not all the 'sorries' in the world could make Michael right again. To combat this f-up of e-normous proportions, Jesse Jackson has come to counsel Michael and promote the Removal Of The N-Word. The nulification of the word will lead us to peace. Color me kooky, how can this work? How can we censor society?

Do we have the tools as a society to avoid that word? Do we have mental OnStar that will alert us to that perilous public pothole? We do, it's our sense of morality, but unfortunately for most it's faultily wired. Imposing a Think Before You Speak commandment might better beehoove us as a people and really change the world. Just imagine by imposing this Orderly Ordinance, people would have to process information and react appropriately. Anger mgmt seminars would be bust, roadrage would be gone, families would enjoy the holidays and heterosexual marriages would live up to their commitments. We could call it Tact B4 Act, and thereby abbrevi-hate.

Maybe we can abbreviate the nastiness like we did with that other little ditty from the Middle Ages "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" or even "To Insure Proper Service" and spare our future generations the pain of social discourse. Maybe by dropping it to the N-Word, we can nullify it's impact and forget that it ever existed like a Q-tip. Identify the hate, shrink it, and throw away it's hurtfulness; we are the Disposable Society are we not? Maybe instead of censoring society we can proofread it. Ask any youngster on the street (note their I-pod) the meaning of D-Day and see I'm right.

Maybe we can all own up to our place in this society and move forward. If we could do away with hate, we'd end up with vibrant intelligent comedy fraught with witty banter with the crowd. We'd actually use baseball bats for their original purpose. White sheets would hang on the line and 3k's would mean three strikes in baseball. F the N-Word, Down With The H-Word.

Oh, Oh, 007.

Casino Royal opens this weekend. The buzz on it is pretty enormous. And the buzz on it's new star is as well. Judi Dench is impressed with her new co-star, and when I came across this photo, I thought I'd spread the word. Repeat after me,

"Pierce, who?"

Crackheads.

It's no wonder the Middle East is in deep shit. And it only took a rear admiral....................

Ignorings IS Bliss.

Quiet. Do you smell something? It's the happy place calling. Sensory deprivation has long since been a productive tool in managing stress and activating creativity. The feeling/lack thereof of replacing bad stimulus with a glazed over expression and a mental retreat is wonderful. It's like a micronap. Plus, tuning out some bore in front of you may actually save lives. Many a great daydream has saved many a workplace from violence. Tune in, turn on, tune out. Just as Peter Pan flew to Neverneverland, people have been retreating to their happy place for centuries. We've only americanized it within the past century.

Buddhists restored their sense of Wa with determined meditation. Victorian society swore by the salt air of the seashore as a tonic to restore the spirit. The Eighties brought us to meet our inner-children, as well as what season we were for best colors to wear. Pain-offstaking has long made us better as individuals but has it made us better people. This is not a knew concept. Maybe if it were better accomodated in society we might live longer healthier lives. The Mexican people are definately onto longevity with a siesta in the middle of the day. I recognize when it happens in my head, when I let go of the reigns of my concious being and see where I end up. To be polite, I do keep one "foot in reality" by nodding appropritately, gently laughing etc. so that I am not responding to the stimulus in 'kind'.


I've developed a theory that recognizes tonics, wa, happy places et al. I call it Clicking. The name is deriven from tracing the point of 'spacing-out' from whatever has lost your attention, to actually hearing the synapse/axon in your head firing the click order to release dopamine. This process of bliss begins with a click, and I'm there to witness it. It's amazing how clicking speeds the day along. I recommend not clicking while driving. I recommend clicking in line at the bank. I recommend not clicking when chopping vegetables. I recommend clicking when talking to them. Sometimes I click and go to a childhood memory, sometimes to attending the opening act of the Muppet Show. I click and can almost hear the old men in the balcony above heckling. And again, I click. Go forward from this day on and see who you repeatedly click. See if you can smell anything as you click (one reporter has warm tollhouse cookies coming to her as she clicks) or notice any sort of soft light. It's your subconcious, do with it as you see fit.

A School For Scandal.

A School for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,

Needs there a school this modish art to teach you?

No need of lessons now, the knowing think;

We might as well be taught to eat and drink.

Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours

Distress our fair ones—let them read the papers;

Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;

Crave what you will—there’s quantum sufficit."

-Mr. David Gerrick, Prologue to Sheridan's 'A School For Scandal'


I pose the following for pondering, and I ponder the following for posing. Imagine a university that captures the real spirtit of America; ingenuity. The curriculum would be managing scandal and the staff would be accredited by the school of hard knocks. We would all be well versed in the merits, and sometimes marlboros, of how the teachers made it through their learning process. Sometimes learning hurts and in the School for Scandal, our teachers have already earned their..........................marks.

The phoenix dies only to be reborn.

THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

Welcome prospective students to our learning center that teaches you to thrive in the most adverse of circumstances! We excell in spin and can spin in Excel. Our educators have checked their demons and are willing to share their experiences in our forum; The School for Scandal. Life got you down? Cat got your tongue? We can show you how to leave tongues wagging for more even when you're caught pants down. Our celebrity instructors have weathered heinous and in some instances, fellony episodes to bring your education to the next level. The penalties learned down below will provide insights for above. We strive to teach prospective students important techniques in functioning in disaster and finishing in style. Our curriculum is based in the "3 R's"; Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmatic. The clever balance in English and Sciences is a first of it's kind not to be overlooked.

Creative Writing: Learn the tricks of the trade with traded Tricks, James Frey and Ann Coulter. Fiction is emphasised and sometimes Super-Sized. Take a page from Ms Coulter's numerous politico novellas, she already has from many other uncredited authors. Learn Strunk and White, Sturm undt Drang, and Pork and Beans with published authors who got lit in literature. Both are taking time off the book circuit to teach this seminar.

Home Economics: Homemaking Mavens Martha Stewart and Heidi Fleiss show how cottage industrys can flourish to empires. Learn creative task management, catering, staffing, craftiness, and double book accounting. Insider trading is explored in two different schools of thought both under the credo "You have to go down to go up".

Music: It's the sheet. Half the class will be taught by Milli as Vanilli is dead. Vanilla Ice will make a cameo lecture and Cameo will make Vanilla Ice a bloody mess. The overall direction of the class is driven by George Michael, who loves to drive. Field trips to outdoor locations are part of the homework. Acoustics in public toilets will be studied.

Physical Education: The ecstasy and the agony is relived daily with Anne Heche half-heartedly supervising the girls' class. Badminton is setup, and left. Softball teams are chosen, and left. Bowling is allowed, but only if she gets to win. Rehab-alum Mark Foley swears by his texts that no one cares more for young men's physical education than the congressman. His planning, accessibility, inhouse laundry and season ending pizza party weekends have all been rated thumbs up by alumni and waiters in Key West. Awards banquets end the semester and have been planned by Joe Francis.

Drivers Education: Ted Kennedy and Billy Joel will show you a lesson one for the road. Also included 1. gloveboxes can easily be converted to icebuckets. 2. speedlimits are more than suggestions. 3. make more than passes at passengers. 4. cops to know, not pleas. 5. stick and automatic covered. Mel Gibson will make a guest lecture.

Psychology: Sean Young and Courtney Love pair up to discuss the intricasies of the mind, the nuance of thought and how to stalk your cheating ex. How to really do some damage to their credit and belongings are fully explored.

Adesde Fidelis: Unfortunately this groundbreaking fidelity workshop is cancelled as instructor Gay American Jim McGreevy's car broke down on the NJ Turnpike leaving him stranded in a rest station.

Communications: Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell walk the walk and talk the talk on interpersonal communications. Special attention is paid to slapping the silly grin off an assistant or concierge's face and rage issues. Golf coach Jack Nicholson's seminar in anger management is featured. At the end of the class students are given a cell phone and lots of room. Mel Giblson makes a guest lecture.

Film Making: Joe Francis, professor emeritus. Rob Lowe, department head. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee, instructors. Tom Sizemore, Colin Farrel and Paris Hilton, teachers aides. Mel Gibson makes a guest lecture.

Science: Biology is covered by Snoop Dog and da Hothouze Krew. Chemistry by that original pill-guy Rush Limbaugh. Post lab commentary with both instructors will put the Hip back in Hypocrisy. Expect heated debates as the pot calls the kettle black. Forget what you know as fact and come learn about more than life and reactions.

Accounting: Our experts from Enron engage Wesley Snipes and Richard Hatch for the fundamentals in bookcooking.

Family Planning: Jesse Jackson, Michael Jackson and Woody Allen discuss finding love late in life, the nursery and the nurturing, and the love of parenting late in life.

Sexual Education: Study a broad with former president Bill Clinton.

Public Speaking: A wonderful seminar with the Dixie Chicks and Kanye West always involves a second seminar in self defense. Record sales go up and down but Hate lasts forever. Mel Gibson makes a guest lecture.

Religion: Our school of thought is led in a wonderful diorama of ideology. Tom Cruise, Ted Haggard and Mel Gibson tell of insights found on their knees versus on the furniture. An opiate for the masses, religion is explored on many levels; as real estate, as love, and as energy. If a lecture seems dull, count on Tina and Don Julio to make good study aides. Everyclass ends in wrestling, but with three very different motives. Embrace the trinity.

We hope you find education as rewarding as we do at the School for Scandal. People will remember where you've studied, study with the best. It is who you know in life. We have amazing facilities, great books on tape in the Nixon Library and topnotch security by OJ Simpson. Know that what you put in your head, follows you for the rest of your life.

Wocka, Wok-Aaah, Wiccan. All Fall down.

In the fall I grow nostalgic for New England, and what aids this is that I actually lived there. (read: sarcasm, a musthave New England Accessory) The leaves turning, the summer people heading back to NJ and NYC-opening up our roads, sweaters, cider, the harvest season and even hayrides with the congregation. Wait a minute, I've confused memories again with primetime telelvision. The Waltons overrode my sensibilities with an equally warm memory, maybe with sentiment or maybe my synapses are still misfiring from the nineties. There is something reassurring about Autumn; the dying back of the summer's bounty reminds us of the oncoming cold of winter and the promise of spring's rebirth. The Circle of life. Autumn was a time of togetherness, huddled for warmth and cheap feels. Autumn meant sweaters hiding weightgain and cheap feels. Autumn meant new primetime television, and back in the day that meant something.

If not for sunday night television, it's very likely I would have become a serial killer or an accountant, or perhaps a clever blend of both. I was fortunate enough to have my imagination kickstarted by the likes of Walt Disney and the Muppets on Sunday evenings with "family hour" programming, kickstarted enough to quelch the voices in my head screaming for retribution and more steak. The formula was so simple and it's lessons invaluable; family would gather and be entertained together. Maybe the show would lead to discussions (shocking) or future entertainment assignations but either way we were together and not on the streets soliciting Chaos. I blame the Muppets for many of my overused jokes and my penchant to squat in my Happy Place. A lot of time when I'm tuning people out or work for that matter, when that almost audible Click happens (more on Clicking soon in future posts) and I retreat to my Happy Place, I can hear the theme music and even see Rolf's ears flapping at the piano. All this happens and again, I'm satisfied.

Thanksgiving satisfies me on many levels. I love the culmination of the Harvest Season. I love dining with other minorities. I enjoy naps and food and sometimes a clever blend of both. I clap my hands at the anticipation of being uncomfortable but with people I love. My friend Laurie's family has a tradition of not repeating the same thanksgiving day turkey recipee. Her mother is a forward thinking (read: certifiable) globe trotter who knows the value of Experience seasoning life and is apt for producing poultry paradigms. "Terriyaki Turkey?", Please. "Turkey San Gimmiano?", Please. "Cajun seasoned Turkey with Jack Daniels gravy?", Please let me taste the seasonings in the sauce for quality purposes. As long as the family is together, who cares? Mrs B stands by the theory of 'let's see what this new experience will bring us'. Actually Susan usually sits by it. Is there anything more satisfying than trying something new to discover that it's pleasing to the majority and yourself? I'm pretty sure that's where the expression "Cool Beans" came from. It was that instant where someone had pulled off a culinary coup contrary to public opinion and when serving lukewarm legumes someone uttered "Cool Beans" in amazement and it stuck (funny on three levels; the expression, the beans, and the story all stuck). But I digress. I know the original colonists/imperialists had no wok to stirfry the succotash for the Seneca, and stole the indians recipe for succotash and passed it off as their own natch. But a wok just brings a certain aesthetic to a meal. Almost always it involves a cleaver, saki-bombs, Ming Tsai fantasies and rapidfire meal preparations. I'm all about saving time. Whether it be from a wok, a deepfryer, a jackhammer or even poprocks Thanksgiving satisfies me to the Aaah level.

The Magic of the autumn is especially felt in New England, I'm almost positive there are still witch trials back in Wethersfield, CT. I know there are still in Salem, but they're only for tourist reasons and organized by real witches. The feeling of frost, starry nights, pumpkins everywhere and the rustle of fallen leaves under your feet make you feel the spooky. On the westcoast they celebrate it in grand style. People pass eachother and salute with a "Happy Halloween" as if it were a "Merry Christmas". People decorate on a large scale. One man had a downed 747 on his front lawn in Van Nuys this year. People drive, live and breathe in costumes for three to four days around Oct. 31. You would think it's a regional Mardis Gras. Maybe it's the proximity to Hollywood (or the fact that both words have the same number letters and are similar) Halloween is amped in Los Angeles. Halloween, Dia de los Muertes and the year ending remind us that life ends only to go on. We never really leave, we leave impressions. We mark people, we make legacys, we impact society. Our time here is short but our purpose irrefutable. We are here to touch others. And speaking of touching others, I forgot to mention my new favorite out-gay character in comicbookland in my Rabbit Rabbit post this month. His name's Wiccan and he's part of the Young Avengers book from Marvel Comics. His boyfriends name is Hulkling, how hot is that? PS the comicbook Young Avengers won a GLAAD Media Award last Spring. The awards recognize contributors who show "Fair, accurate and inclusive representations of LGBT community and the issues that reflect them". How hot is that?

Maybe a better title for this post would have been Muppets, Mrs B, Ming-Tsai and Marvel Manlove. Naaaah, I think it's perfect with its Fall-outs(funny on five levels. Go back and find them Kent, you know you want to) and Fall-ins. Peace.

Rabbit, rabbit.

Rabbit rabbit. May your coming month surpass the past and may the lessons we've learned, last.
I love the reflection that Novemer always provides; where we've been and where we're going. The end of the year looms high and you can't escape the reality that 06 will be history shortly. After thanksgiving, xmas, ny's, channukah, and midterm elections.


I'll call it an early holiday gift, Mark Foley deciding to stay in rehab for a bit longer. I guess he's trying to find someone else to blame his insane lack of judgement on. Perhaps he's beating a dead horse by going after the Roman Catholic Church, retired priests in Italy, the media, and of course Pierre Smirnoff. Maybe as a pennance and community service he could open a summer camp for boys in need of supervision. Supervision/Gaydar whichever works. Stay away Mr Foley you are toxic to our community and you could stand a sit-up or two.

Speaking of sitting up and noticing, did anyone else notice that ABC will permit disruptive workplaces, violence, and homophobia? The Slur Heard Round The World still hasn't removed Isaiah Washington from his role on the network's gem 'Gray's Anatomy' but has drawn all kinds of attention to the show's cast. So much attention that castmember TR Knight was motivated to come out as an openly gay man. The actor plays 'George' on the drama and was the butt of the slur that hot-tempered Washington threw at fellow castmate Patrick Dempsey. Coming out (in People Magazine, what's up with that?) Knight reminded the public that the fact that he's gay "hopefully isn't the only thing that's interesting about me." That's pretty classy, and motivating. Washington issued a lackluster apology through some beleagured publicist and refused to comment on his history of on-set bad behavior throughout his career. Here's a thought, replace him with one of those stunning guys from 'Noah's Arc on the gay cable network, LOGO. The irony and the ecstasty. So remember when you bring your god given talents to work for ABC that you must accept homophobia as regular behavior and don't consider dropping one racial slur, EVER.

And if your god given talents include massage, men and meth then maybe you too could consider an active career in the Evangelical Ministry. Godspeed never sounded more true! I love how people's hypocrisy is falling around them faster than New England foliage this time of the year! And to see this Reverend Ted Haggard, outspoken adversary to GLBT community, lie with man, to man and from man is pure entertainment. Bush's base is pretty base when they come up to the light of day. The slime that is arising in this election is better than anything that's on network television, accept whatever intollerance is being peddled over at ABC. As the republicans hold their breath for the next few days, we can only hope they inhaled.

Waiting to exhale was NPHarris' publicist this week. Starting the week with his hot property as being 'straight' to coming out by the weekend. I'm pretty proud that Mr Knight and Mr. Harris had the sense to come forward to and be visible, it's the only way that we are going to make it as a community. We need to be seen, analyzed and respected for there to be understanding. We can see what fear will drive people to; Closets, Pierre Smirnoff, Meth, and male-escorts masquerading as massage therapists. In the light of day, we look pretty good, and with role models (or models in roles) we look fantastic.