In Conclusion; Inclusion.

If you feel that you were slighted this year. You're not alone. This year marks a year chock full of heavenly nuts; and nuts is where many people caught their slightings. We had slurs, jurors, and naked celebrity beaver. This year marked an all time high (and low on many levels) for Offensiveness/Offensensititvity. These two usually travel in pairs in our society. People will offend, someone will be offended, and someone will be sensitive to their and everyones needs. This is Political Correctness at it's most lethal. You can't swing a dead cat without offending the A.S.P.C.A. or hitting someone who will claim to be hurt by our actions. Shouldn't we really talk to the cat first? But I ask wouldn't it have been alright if at the beginning of the year we all took a breath and said,"We all have our turn of being parodied, I will accept my turn, and keep score to make sure everyone gets a piece of this satire pie."?

You shouldn't offend maliciously, that's covered by the Golden Rule. If we only would do unto others as we would have done, we'd be utopian, but when you get near that line of Humor bordering on Mean, well you can't scream "foul" without offending an impatient duck-lover (which is funny on two levels, three if you let them marry). There would be so many less instances of Outrage if we all took a breath and said, "Chill out, the source is an idiot." Everyone got a dose of Bitter Pills this year; Blacks, Gays, Jews, Soldiers, Women- that list was alphabetical so as not to piss off grade school teachers. Bullshit was spread around near and wide. Fortunately we know that manure has a way of making things grow when you spread it around. Hopefully we can grow a sense of humor and a sense of purpose. We tapdanced our way through a maze of spin this year as icons fell like saddam statues in Bagdhad, ooops, I'm sure I just offended statue makers in Iraq. So many people said some of the craziest shit, and always within microphone range. We were served a cornycopia of hate and stupidity from so many different sides. The internet became a circus net catching all the crazy acts as they plummeted to earth. Look back on these instances as widespread acts of morons (W.A.M.'s) similar in effect to random acts of kidness. If the acronym offends the George Michael fan club, please strap on a leather mask, take a bong hit and mellow out. George would.

This year we had DUIS, AWOLS, N-WORDS, F-BOMBS and A-HOLES. We strove to put acrid in our acronyms. We had a year of many sacred calves being slaughtered in the media, for our entertainment. We were titillated in text, tv, internet and radio. One would think we would require a week offfrom all the scandal and celeb wars but we're still tuned in for the next comb-over joke or blogspeak vocab world to learn. If we can only remember on our relentless pursuit of knowledge that perspective lends it's self to objectivity and from objectivity you can draw an informed conclusion on what you've read. Maybe it's not as offensive as we once thought, when we review something with the proverbial grain of salt. And trust me, salt makes the tequila go down nicer than a spoonful of sugar does the medicine.

In conclusion, we really need to be inclusive. Not just in tragedy, in everyday life We can laugh at a brother as long as we know, we may be next. And that's cool. If we missed offending anyone this year, such as coffee growers, daycare operators, parakeets, Ty Pennington, geometry teachers, little people, ex wives, jell-o, sandanistas, spatulas, shetland ponies, magazines, old neighbors, Margot Kidder et al. please consider yourselves told off in some base way offending not only you but your constituents too. And your little dog. Remember that we were just kidding, Kidder, kidding. Except about the dog.

Season's Tidings.

The lovely Miss Judy Landers and Madame would like to send their best and breast holiday greetings. Madame loved a good time and had a tv program in the early eighties that formed many a young mo's mind. Miss Landers loved the early eighties when she had a career and many a good time.

Merry Christmas from Spatagram and all it's staff. Hope a couple of sexy puppets find their way into your holiday season or at least on to your hands.

The Institution of Marriage and Civil Unions are larger oxymorons than Jumbo Shrimp and Military Intelligence.

Lay down your arms hetero role models as the storming of the Institute continues. We (the GayAgendists)'ve have seized the moat and are making our way up the parapet. I speak metaphorically of your Institution of Marriage. I liken it to a traditional institution like the Bastille or Arkham Asylum or even Shawshank; some people are better off residing there, and some are not. I would even go so far as to say that roaches check in, but they don't check out. Striving for equality, we have taken to the woods of the union, New England, and are coming for your traditional values. We will have the right to be/be made miserable. We will lawfully have someone by our side to make sure we get returned to the earth right side up or sprinkled on a lawn. We will enjoy the same tax credits breeders get and we will have the ability to insist our friends come to lavish us with gifts and flattery on an inconvenient date at an inconvenient localle in our wedding celebration.

We will wed as you have shown us it's bounty Larry King, Brittney, Pam, Michael Jackson. You have shown us the sanctity of it Tom, we pray that Theta will allow us the couch to jump in proclamation on. We will approach it with the humor of Liza and David, knowing what will be, will be. We know that breedermarriages end in a fifty percent divorce rate, so we really can't do much worse now can we? If we really screw up maybe someday we too will be in with the Pope so that after a nice donation we can afford an anullment and just claim it never existed. "Dream on" you may say, but we have and look where we're at today.

But a Civil Union? The path of true love ne'er did run smooth. I love the fact that the title to this crumb that politicians have thrown us implies that we should conduct ourselves in a certain manner. 'Civil' defined can mean 'relating to the state' and also 'adequate in manners'. Show me any straight relationship when ending ends civily and I'll let you choose a cupie doll from the top shelf. South Africa has approved Same Sex Marriage. They join the Netherlands, Spain, Belgium, Canada and of course Massachusetts. Europe roils in the joy that our community brings and lets couples suffer just like straight people, now that's equality; pain and suffering. We may be civil, and avoid the suffering. Crazy, I say. See the photo of the happy governor of New Jersey signing his Civil Unions bill today, Dec. 21st? See the photo of the happy governor of Connecticut signing her Civil Unions bill on April 20, 2005? See the photo of the happy governor of Vermont discussing his Civil Unions Bill that he signed into law on April 26, 2000? We are seizing the union at it's root, not by love and mutual respect but by New England, where the real Union was founded. Our straight role models have had enough trouble with Values, I'm sure they won't be on top of their geography either.

"Hey, Sporto................"

Fabio Cannavaro has more than an exciting name, he has the Golden Ball Trophy. The trophy is awarded by France Football Magazine's annual poll. Fifty two journalists are polled and Cannavaro was voted first out of the nominated fifty players. The former captain of the World Cup Champion Italy Juventus now plays for Real Madrid. Cannavaro is especially proud to be the first defender in ten years to claim the title. His winning and the claiming of second place by former teammate Gianluigi Buffun is a great postcard from the amazing World Cup of this past year.

For those of you that missed the World Cup this spring, we hope that your isolation chamber was comfy and that the harsh light of winter is not too strenuous on your magnolia-white skin. Google the World Cup and Champion Italia for all the news. Also Google Headbuts for France for a real good "har dee har har". And for those of you that missed Mr Cannavaro and his former Juventus teammates photospread for Dolce and Gabbanna, look for yourselves on his assets. More of the D&G underwear campaign photos are here for you. Buona Natale.

Soy makes you gay, not Judy Garland.

This is taken from some wingnut named James Rutz and the website WorldNetDaily.

Soy is making kids 'gay' and scotch is making James loopy.

Soy is making kids 'gay'
Posted: December 12, 20061:00 a.m. Eastern
There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.
Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food.
The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.
Click dipstick to read more

"Quiet, please. There's a lady onstage."

Is it because we have become addicted to a new roman coliseum theatre that is reality television that we have become a callous audience? Do we text our approval to the new emperor as a sort of "thumbs-up" or "thumbs-down" on the 888 line? Are we so quick to cut our losses when our immediate gratification genes aren’t titillated that we demand blood? An "aye" for an "eye" is how we seem to appreciate entertainment now; meaning we are lowering our standards for excellence and judging quickly and superficially. And if our needs aren’t met, we turn on a dime.

New restaurants are subject to horrible scrutiny. When you appeal to people’s primal instincts, as eating, you can expect equally as primal responses to stimuli. It’s a well-documented fact that restaurant patrons are seven times more likely to say something nasty about a property as they are to say something nice. People want to save humanity from the arduous torture that they endured and are more motivated to spread the bad word. Here’s a motivating factor, go home tonight and find out what your children are doing in their lives. If you want to reshape society, start in your backyard and help future generations. Nasty doesn’t have to be so tasty. Get a grip, not a gripe and do something positive and we’ll all applaud.

Scurrilous comments led to a horrible incident in a comedy club recently. The performer lost all bearing on his show and launched into a deep seeded rant of Hate. This is not excusable as all performers have a responsibility to the wellbeing of their audience. But was there an environment created where a sect of the audience was quick to stop the performance as their needs, and only their needs, were not being met? Heckling is expected, but it can’t be acceptable when the audience becomes the performer. Maybe in that instance the performer was not performing well, I wasn’t there and I don’t know. Is heckling to an extreme degree fair to the rest of the audience? That the needs of the few outweighed the needs of the whole is not what we strive for in an audience. David Letterman says it best,

"This audience is not a competition, it’s an exhibition. No wagering in the audience, please."

The situation that night was deplorable but indicative of the new needs that an audience has; entertain us now or pay the price.

Another episode happened recently where an audience turned on a performer. The material was not to the audience’s liking and so they took the matter into their own hands. Poor, poor Paulie Shore took one right on the chin for comedians everywhere when in a Texas comedy club he and a heckler went one on one. I’m sure Jethro has spent enough quality time with his buddies in the local Spearmint Rhino to know the basic rules; you never touch the dancers. He seems to have forgotten this and decked Mitzi’s little boy. I remember when a simple "Boo" was enough, or even a hurled tomato when there was REALLY something bad. Back in the day Katherine Hepburn stopped a performance when seeing a audience member with his feet on the stage. She chastised him and continued her work. We seemed to have gotten away from this.

We should probably take a lesson in how to handle an audience from the current administration. If the president can unrepentantly refer to a reporter as a s.o.b. in front of a live microphone, and his vice president can tell a senator to shut the ‘f’ up on the senate floor, then obviously respect is a commodity and being rationed.

Seasons Tidings; Mary with child, Dicks beware!

Pom Pom, Pom, Pan, Pommeranian.

The first cheerleaders were men. Thomas Peebler of Princeton University assembled his chums to rally the crowd at the Princeton-University of Minnesota game on November 2, 1898. Six dudes performed that day with Johnny Campbell as the Head Cheerleader. In those days the routines were a mix of choreography and yelling with a barker, the long cone that you see popular in movie directors of that age. More banal equipment would follow. Women didn't appear on the scene until the early 20's. The first use of pom poms can be traced back to the early 1930's, all of the equipment were paper. Women cheerleaders were the main manipulator of the pom pom, hence the curious abscence of the hyphen. How to fluff your pom poms , Pampering your pom poms
The first vinyl pom poms were invented by Fred Gastoff in 1965, and first used by the International Cheerleader Foundation. The word, and it is one, pom pom holds significance for different people in different ways. If you're an impatient sort you think that there should be no space in the word ie. pompom. If your eyesights poor you can think that the word can look like porn porn. If your mind is dyslexic, you probably want to go clean your kitchen floor. If you're of the rare breed like me, you believe in all three.

Pom is the new miracle drink that is 100% pommegranate juice. The fruits' season is short, only from October to November. Better mark your calendar for next year or you'll miss November being National Pommegranate Month. It's an odd looking fruit, like a Bermuda (red onion for you lame-os) onion with out the pinstripe suite. Imagine Gore Vidal in Dolce Gabbana. This odd fruit is being touted as having many wonderful benefits, "The real beauty is on the inside..". Studies have lead to evidence that pommegranates contribute to fighting cancer, defy aging, promoting cardiovascular health with it's stockpile of antioxidants. Antioxidant would be a great name for a dragqueen in Key West but it's much better as being recognized for fighting free radicals. Free radicals are unstable little molecules we take in from pollutents, alchohol, etc. that can lead to a bevy of ailments. Remember that, "Nips, Tucks and Botox are sooo last year.." real beaouty comes from within.

Pan is spanish for bread. I love bread. Flat bread, sourdough bread, crusty bread, dark bread, warm bread, warn bread I'm coming 'cause I'm coming hungry. Warm tortillas are a staple in Mexico at all meals. Cornbread is also prevalent in mexican food. Foccaccia bread is my downfall especially if it's soused in olive oil. I'd bake but I don't have the patience to be so precise for the skills needed, or if it's that I just I couldn't wait for it to rise. It boils down to my need for carbs. I'm very active and couldn't exist without carbs for energy. Plus I have a pasta dependency. It must be once a day and I don't care how. Fat opera singers know what I'm talking about. I'm also cursed with the vanity of a godling in a gay male's body and overweight is not an option. And you thought you had pain. Pan? Pain. Pan? Pain. Ping Pong? Pain. Pan.

Pommeranians are small annoying dogs. They fit in purses as snugly as they would an active microwave. The recent craze of the small dog is waning and soon we'll be beset with orphan pommeranians, just like we were with chihuahas in the late nineties. I see the Star Trek espisode, "The Trouble With Tribbles" and I shudder. Please google the last remark if you are too young. Pommeranians make me want to drop my pom poms, pick up my pom and pummel. Instead I ponder and place the pummus stone on my bunyon to burn.

Read the title of the posting correctly and find the hidden Beach Boys song. Collect all of them and amaze your friends!!!!

Subtraction

12-6=6. Coincidence? I think not.

Rabbit, Rabbit.

Rabbit, rabbit. If you missed Spatagram's favorite incantation to start your month with a bevy of luck, don't fret. Your next opportunity will be when you start your new year of 007. A brand new year, brand new bounty of luck. No pressure, just do it. Sevens are good.

It's World Aids Day, let's not forget that we have beaten this yet and we've lost 25 million people to this hiddeous thing since 1981. Africa currently has 12 million Aids orphans. The numbers continue to rise especially in intravenous drug users, with prostitutes and then gay men following. People believe that they can live longer with the new drug therapies. It's not manageable, it's a plague.

Holidaze always puts a smile on my face. I dont buy into the whole holiday stress anymore, I groove too much on the looks on peoples faces as they get lost in it. Standing back in a crowd lets the theatre of maul/mall open and provides me with a front row seat. If you close your eyes you can smell the desperation over the cinammon. Open your eyes and you' ve been transported into an antfarm ensconced in red velvet and crystal appointments. I would imagine the roots of this being in the Inquisition. Dangling daggers over the heads of penitent pleebs, choir music, and candlelight, yeah definately the Inquisition. I love the imagery. Shop early, shop often. We're all looking for something.

Usually in my Rabbit, Rabbit I make mention of something cool in the world of gay entertainment. The increased visibility of our community this year was gratifying though on the battleground for equal rights we suffered. In the past elections, seven states passed discriminatory ammendments not recognizing our marriage unions. This flies in the face of those encouraging our unions; MA, Spain, Netherlands, Belgium, Canada, South Africa. If the world can arrive at the conclusion that these unions aren't the end of civilization before us, how far backwards are we falling? Even MA for Mitt's sake, has approved marriage. While we were out there this year, we were taking our lumps.

Sadly Congressman Gerry Studds, the original man about the congressional pages, passed away this fall. I'm only glib about this because the man's scandal was a consentual affair, and his record speaks for himself. His constituents thought enough of this man to elect him four terms. His passing leaves a partner of nearly twenty something years, with whom he shared a life with. They married in O5 when Massachusetts passed their gay marriage bill. This partner is not entitled to the congressional pension to which Studds contributed all his life and that any other heterosexual partner would naturally receive. Now that's cold.