The King And I, part two.

Did anyone know that Charles and Diana's son got hot? People always said that Harry would grow into his looks, my weren't they correct. The Spare as they called him is a hottie. How can you be so ripped when you drink all that beer? I'll have to investigate. He's off to serve in the military, I know his mom's watching over him, she has to, the world is watching already.

Dwindle, Dwindle, Little Star.

Travesty of travesties, Star bit the hand that fed her well, well, up until that amazing gastric bypass job (Dr Travis Titeskin, Los Angeles) she got. Ironically, that may be her last contracted job for awhile. Maybe Joan and Melissa (QVC) will let her drive the bus (Greyhound) for award season as they gallavant from red carpet to red carpet(TV Guide Channel). It's such a shame when people on the way up forget who makes them. (Barbara Walters) I remember reading sage advice from one of the Monkees(Vanity Fair) when asked to comment on the meteoric rise of boyband-of -the-moment, New Kids On The Block. Said Monkee, " I hope they remember to wash their own underwear once a week. That will keep things in perspective." If only Star (Victoria Secret) could have remembered. She was always good for a plug though (space for rent).

Photo courtesy of Gallery Of The Absurd

Gracious Living, part three.

"Ice makes the drink." my Uncle Joe always used to say. Ice is an overlooked commodity. Empty trays in your fridge are evidence of an unthoughtful host. People will come over at the oddest times and nothing says gracious living more than a frosty jefferson cup filled with Kettle One and a homemade pickled tomatillo. Guests savor the hospitality, and you stun them with the vodka. Win, win. Ice is a necessity for shocking the color into tasty asparagus when blanching them for cruditees, ice is a necessity for when guests ignore the tasty aspargus, have multiple frosty jefferson cups filled with Kettle One, passout on your persian (rug) and wakeup with a terrible headache. A lovely icepack can make a guest feel warm and cared for as you retell the events of the night before. Ice doesn't ship well. Dry ice does, but for our purposes here, the only thing we like dry are armpits and martinis. Ice chills champagne and lower backs nicely. It makes lovely diversions for nephews and nieces as shaved, snowcones. It stacks well and can make pretty, pretty pyramids. It can revitalize a dehydrated golden retriever as well as a flaccid nipple. It is wonderful for post-sporting injuries and pre-sporting tailgating. It can be worn as an accessory, but quickly. You can name your ice to personalize your hospitality. Nothing says detail-oriented more than telling your guest that the rawbar is replete with Devon, Deborah and Dillon. Your guest will also appreciate your sense of organization by noting the gracious use of alphabetization. Then they will also find you a Xanax without you even asking. Remember, a plate is never returned empty, phone calls are returned promptly and the power of a ThankYou note is immense. So, stop whatever you are doing and run to the Icebox (see it's impact on the English language, too!). Check your trays and run at the mouth, of the sink for impending guests. Remember:


"Remember, you rule the ice. Don't let the ice rule you." - Birthday girl, Salvatrees. We love her.

Gracious Living, part two.

I'm entertaining this weekend and I'm abliss about it. There is too much emphasis put on acccomplishments in our ratrace lives that I can't wait to chill out this weekend and compare notes on humanity with other visionairies. Yes, we all work in restaurants and have seen the dark side of people. I begin this sojourn into tranquility with an old adage that you might find useful yourselves this upcoming weekend:

All good recipees begin with adding four ounces of wine into the cook.

More soon sous, more soon.....................

The King And I.

If you can ignore the shameful gaysealion hands that I am demonstrating you may be able to take in the majesty that I am participating in. The sarcophagas behind me in this photo is the bathrobe of the King. Graceland is only a step away being next to it. He wore a rainbow checkerboard robe in his last days. The symbolism and the grandeur floored me. I was in an audition when this photo was taken and let me just say that the monitor, Jessica, was completely floored when I asked her to snap this shot of me. I will worship the King until I have last breath. This opportunity was magic, as was, I hope, the audition. They'll call tommorrow.........................

Weinerrific.

Have you blushed? A little Pink's looks good on you. Go now, to La Brea Blvd., get a cream soda, a Martha Stewart Special and a side of bannana chili peppers. These hot dogs are so good you will happily stand in line no matter the time of day. Chili fries on the side, it's a splurge worth the extra trip to the gym. It doesn't get any more american than this; Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet. As american as Tom Cruise. You too will become a slave to the weiner. Y se habla espanol, tambien.

I Am The Cruise Director On The Boat Named HELL.

I am classically trained, skilled in improv, and terribly charming. I repeat, terribly charming. When I'm not working the room (dining) I'm orchestrating shuffleboard for mutants, arranging excursions for yahoos, and cabin checking lost passengers. When I do all of this together, it's called moshing and it doesnt make me too popular.

Marine Layer.

I am so sore today, but I cant wait to do it again next year. I'm already recruiting. This began as a little team building exercise at work but all the usual bragados fell off the radar as the date got closer. My girls kicked ass. T & C rocked the course with their freakin determination. Our Team name says it all; Mud or Love, baby, Mud or Love. 3,500 participants in the 2006 Camp Pendleton Mudrun, the fourteenth annual by the by. It benefits military services and servicemens families. More and more military bases are finding the success in opening their doors to crazy physical fitness buffs who want to run a paired down version of the gauntlets they train on. I wanted more mud and more obstacles. I may just run it blindfolded next year, strung out on Imodeum AD. Run in front of me, little monkey, run in front of me.

Dirt Won't Hurt

Mudrun. Camp Pendleton. 9 a.m. today, Saturday. The excitement is on par with the Madonna concert. Feel me.

Little Black Redress

Ann Coulter or Nut Oracle? Can you believe that wing nuts like Santorum, Phelps, and Coulter can be published, promoted and publicized? I cant fathom that this woman can brand the widows of the 9/11 tragedy, broads, millionaire broads on national MORNING television and be allowed to go home without a pie in the face. Ill placed, ill conceived and all around ill, her ranting is worse than an a hated neighbor's howling dog. Her generalizations and grandiose application of foreign policy tell that she's been around Rush's medicine cabinet once or twice. These women's grief should be silenced as the 9/11 attacks are more a matter of national security than their personal loss. Is she stoned with her misrepresentation of facts or is it just her heart? It's just another bubble filled in in the line that divides the "Haves" and the "Have nots". And she's published? Great, it would be ironic if it's sold on Amazon.

Honest, it ain't me.

This is the awkward kid from "Six Feet Under", Claire's sexually confused bf. Who would thought the boy would turn out so abs-olutely fine? Y'all excuse me while I do a few crunches.

Douchebag Rising. (loofalafal)

"I haven't seen the movie, because I am frightened of the X-Men." —Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, May 30

This is funny on two levels.