Are You Shitting Me?

Remember; It's not my intention to embarass you. It's to ridicule you.

Are You Shitting Me continues with a look at the stupid and innane. Inane and out of their minds, stupider and stupidest there is never a lack of material in this town of scenery and Scene shops. She stoops to conquer, while most trash is already on their stoops.

In this new feature I promised you the best in overheard conversations from the depraved in Los Angeles but I made a cellphone exception this time around. This was almost as good as the jaunty little woman with the masking tape on her ass like a pig's tail. I'll tell you that story sometime. Leaping Lizards!!!!! It's a Leap Year.

You are never going to believe this broad I saw at the Farmer's Market last sunday in Studio City. The real irony was that she didn't even have fancy canvas bags to shop with. She was toting plastic. Yet she could get the skinny on a skivvy. Irony, not found in your organic spinach. Wasn't there any NASCAR on the television? You know she wasn't on her way to the Oscars.


Maybe to Oscar the Grouch in a stylish aluminum trash can.

Creature Comforts.

I know people that love to go to open-houses just for the trill of walking through them. They never have any intention of buying the house, just the activity alone was satisfactory. I know another fella that used to love travelling for work. He thought there was nothing better than showering, getting into a sterilized terry cloth robe, ordering up room service and watching a movie. He was addicted to room service shrimp cocktails, but hey, it was his thing.

My thing is rental cars. I love them. I love seeing a lot filled with cars and any one of them can be mine for a short period of time. It's an automotiverendevous. An assignation du car. I love the anonymity of it all. And the perks? Power windows, cd player, AIR CONDITIONING. I especially love to step on the gas, and fly down the road. I do that anyway with my truck, Flash, it's just naughtier when it's someone elses. Yummy.

My point, and I do have one, is that my starter is being replaced by the garage J and I built, and a valve gasket and a transmission mount natch. I'm currently seeing a Ford Edge, their SUV. It's pretty fun and wider than I'm used to. Here I am, so skinny, in such a Trojan Whores. It's funny to think of. Me in a domestic vehicle, crazy world. Here's the photo of my little trick. I totally love this mini mental vacation that a rental car provides. It's escapism on many levels. And the fact that the Enterprise staff does cartwheels for me is inspirational too. Who knew that customer service was alive? And always, always, always get the insurance. Right O?????????????

Justin Timberlake; Bringing Givenchy Back.

Happy Friday Dear Readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I never thought JTimberlake sexy. He always struck me as Ryan Phillippe's scrawny younger brother. A dancing twizzler if you will. I did know that when I saw him and the boys on Rosie a decade ago that the boy was bound to go somewhere. And the 'Dick In A Box' bit on Saturday Night Live also did a little something for me. But that was it.

Until today. I came across his new campaign with Givenchy and fell off the office chair. Since Gucci is dead to me (Tom Ford leaving) and Dolce and Gabbana shitcanned (bad press saying that gays wouldn't make good parents) I have been jonesing for a fashion flagship to worship. This just might be it. I tell you, you get attention when you take your top off. Make sure your top is ready for that, you wouldn't want to surprise him. Hee Hee.

A Return to food, part two.

With the Master Cleanse behind me, I'm eligble for fresh juice and raw vegetable. Yeah, that's exactly what I want. I've been dreaming of pizza since the beginning of the cleanse and want one for breakfast on saturday. Or maybe sushi. Or maybe angel hair.

Seeing as I've lost 13 pounds, I know that it's a tad extreme, I anticipate putting back on five, but want to do it lean. So I'm exercising, get ready for this.................................Moderation. I'm experimenting with this little Way Of Life in my diet for now and we'll see if we'll cross-utilize it. Chicken breasts, seeds, legumes, broccoli, soy, tofu and smaller portions. Moderation. Me. What is this world coming to.?



I've returned to food and lay your eyes on my first meal.................................exciting isn't it. My sweet neighbor, Sheila brought me over a little treat today. She brought me a gorgonzola, mushroom stuffed hamburger. I thanked her and recognized her as my favorite drug dealer on the street.

A return to food.

Well fourteen days later I'm 13 pounds lighter and amazingly spry. I really enjoy doing this cleanse for two reasons. I get rid of all that nasty winter weight and I get 'clean' (liver, lungs and spirit. It really is my own personal rehab. I'm trendy on the inside, where it counts. Way down deep I'm really superficial. And thin. Did I mention thin.

So as a return to food is in order I get to execute all the fantasies I've been acruing since day one of my Personal Passages. I thought, "Angel Hair. Pizza. Crab. Rack of lamb. Ham. Pizza. Chocolate. Ice cream. Pizza." And you guessed it, pizza one. Today however I must have fresh juice and maybe raw foods. Simple coaching for the tum tum. So just like the last two weeks I awoke and squoze fruit. Then I got out of bed. Har har Har. I did pound some oranges into submission and had the best glass of juice I've downed in a long while. I'm currently sipping some silver needle tea and planning a salad for lunch. Tommorrow will be safe and easy food and on saturday morning I'll have my pizza delivered for breakfast and trust me, you'll see pictures here. Have a blessed day.

In our backyard.......

Life is so fragile that you can turn in a moment, and find it broken. And life is so fleeting that you can blink and miss it. Does this hold true that a young gay life so brutally snuffed out is beyond recognition? This murder happened in our own backyard of Oxnard, 25 miles from here and the media blew right by it on their way to a primary.



15 year old Lawrence King was shot in the back of his head in a classroom because he was gay. Lawrence had lately been open about his identity by wearing female accessories to his school uniform. Supposedly, this is why his attacker slew him. Parents have demanded the school install metal detectors and work to end bullying in the halls. The outrage appears too late. When is tolerance going to be pro-active instead of re-active? When will a story like this be treated in the media with the respect it deserves? This poor kid......................

Totally Gay For America

This is from The Whitest Kids U'Know. And mondo funny.

Are you shitting me?

Presenting a new column for the Spatagram, "Are you shitting me?" will give you the best overheard conversations in the greater Los Angeles area with a penchant for stupidity. Get ready, there'll be plenty.

Valentine's Night, a fish restaurant near the Pacific, 2008:

MAN: Happy Valentine's Day, honey. (slides her small jewelry box)
WOMAN: Oh sweetie. Thank you.
MAN: I hope you'll like them.
WOMAN: (opening box) I'm sure I will.
MAN: (to waiter) I'll have another.
WOMAN: Heart-shaped diamond earings?
MAN: You like them?
WOMAN: You gave these to me last year.
MAN: I did?
WOMAN: You did. (pulls back hair from ear, showing earrings)

I shit you not.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

May love find you all in the condition you want to be found; together, alone, bound, full, smiling, sad, bombed, exhausted, relieved, free, willing and able. I'm taking a pass for this year's festivities and send my best to all the Ministers Of Silly that read this tome.

Hope for us all.

Feeling run down by the fast and the flashy? Ever feel your mojo questioned in in a room of tepid energy? Do you howl when others may yip? Do you treasure the simple moments in lieu of a flurry of indulgence. Chances are you have an inner beagle baying to get out and lick someone's face.

This simple beast of burden is best remembered as Charlie Brown's sometime loyal companion, the free-thinking Snoopy. Snoopy's legacy was that of an independent canine who didn't need much to have a happy existance. I think this is a life lesson for us all. Making our own kind of music, singing our own special song; great ideals from Mamma Cass and embodied in the spirit of the beagle. Snoopy would be our personal ideal until yesterday.

Photo; Sports Illustrated

Yesterday at the 2008th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show at Madison Garden, a fifteen-inch beagle named "Uno" won the coveted Best In Show. This win marks the first recognition for a beagle since 1939. The WKC Dog Show is the ultimate in dog showing and the second oldest countinuously held sporting event in the United States, second to the Travers Stakes held for thoroughbreds in Saratoga Springs, NY. Of the 2,627 other entries, the 169 breeds and varieties Uno came to be the best beating out a repeat Standard Poodle, a prize-winning Sealyhunter, and an Australian Shephard. Uno did this with a constant moving white-tipped tail, gleaming eyes and a low bark. Now and again, a nip on his leash, and a spring from his hinds this beagle Uno embodies what we all should; compromise on your own terms and even the hyper have a place. Let's all take a lesson from Uno today and know that everyone has a chance at Best In Show. Get out there and jump up on someone we love, bonus points if they don't expect it.

Now, about my colon.

Yes sweet monkeys, it's day six of the Lemonade Diet, or at least it will be when I wake up to my salt water flush. The first four days basically suck, but then your body rallies and says, "Well, this is all the s.o.b. is giving us so we may as well make do." And then the body thins itself. It's a great trick. Being thin again is sweet. My body has rallied and no LM, there is no wine allowed on this diet, even though it's all liquid.

The groovy part is the insight that I'm now at, you really get to listen to your body as it purges out the toxins. It says, "Take care nicotine. Farewell Prime Rib. Buh bye caffeine. Hasta Luego Casadores." You get a little stronger each day, and a little thinner, such a deal. As I'm listening to my body I'm also listening to what my Return To Food meal will be. I'm thinking of pizza. I haven't had Mammas and Pappas in almost a year and they have the best pizza around. Yummers. But that's more than a week a way. A lot more listening to happen.

In the past I've documented the Lemonade Diet on a daily basis but I know you've heard plenty about my digestive tract. I'm working on my tact lately. But now, about my colon..................

Pecsploitation.

If it all fails; Suzuki, The Method, Stanislavski, Uta, Strassberg, Sabatine or whatever technique you choose to utilize in your Acting remember that you have one layer left to strip away that will reveal your character's truth, and that's your shirt. Button down, baseball, pullover, tee, tank, tux the type doesn't matter, what matters is removing it and you will have found honesty. Honesty is regularly mined here in Hollywood. It's a quality we treasure in our daily lives. We search for integrities in gutters and depth on a couch. If you open your shirt, you have just guaranteed yourself an audience and justification.

Photo; Washington Post

Used to be back in the day that an audience was kept informed of a story through clever dialogue and ingenious camera work. It was a simple time. Somewhere along the way we became an audience that needed titulation to maintain focus. To be kept abreast of happenings we needed the revelation (of skin) of story developments with pandering. Women were the first to make this offering and defined Objectification for the modern audiences. Any scary movie was made a hit with the addition of a booby prize. On set sexploitation was a sure fire way to get people to talk up the movie and to sell tickets. And then we grew immune to it.

It was everywhere, sex selling this, sex selling that. And I have no problem with skin, I'm all for it. Really, all for it. But I just see that it appears to be the mainstay of some people's career and some people's tastes. It appears to have replaced truth entirely. A beautiful body is actually a scab for a land where the writer's are striking. You can avoid so much thinking by an audience if you Pecsploit their eyes. There are even Acting Schools in Hollywood that grade progress in their programs by the amount of clothing removed during the course of study. "Better Acting Through Less Clothing; Minimalismm-hmmn". Actors sign up, strip down, and ready for the runway. Being a gay man, I'm glad there are so many chests everywhere to see, but all these chests surrounding you get stale like two hours in a luggage store. Give me a good story and sell it with some honest acting, I may even come twice, to see it.

See Matt Damon discuss the phenomena of Pecsploitation on Letterman;

When the world hands you lemonade-When the going gets tough.

So two manly men decided they were up for the challenge and tried to prepare for this diet. It brings amazing change but it also takes some time getting used to. The boys started yesterday, the first boy was done by 4pm and the second by730pm. It was great that the second one broke and ate, because the craziest woman in creation came to the restaurant last nite, and he would have killed her.

So the boys have left me high and wet. Day two of 14. No one wants to work anymore. It's a crime. I will cut them some slack, my sisters made it the same time, and they're tough as can be.
Anyone wants to join in, feel free.

xoxox

Lemonade Diet.

Day One,

I've done this cleanse twice now and the third time feels like old hat. Until your actually squeezing the lemons and smelling the maple syrup. It's like hearing a series of songs that take you back to a special time in your past. I said it's like that, but not necessarily pleasant. I dug out all the old information and recipes. I dug out the big carry along jug. I cheered on my disciples departing our wicked ways together. It was as it had been in the past. And then I took my first sip.

It really became a scene from Jekyll and Hyde. I shook and swore as the Lemonade went down. I felt my body convulse from some sort of sense memory that triggered an alarm, "Don't do this! We'll be good! We just got your body broken in again like a soft leather couch." I swore and glazed over. Prayer is the new cigarette for the lemonade is then new black.

Rabbit, Rabbit.

Hee. Hee. A new month begins and another ends. So elegant, so simple. So Taster's Choice.

We're in the throughs of nasty politics by people promising to pull a rabbit out of a hat and make life better for it. I have a marvelous idea; Hilary and Barack on one tix. Who would be the dominant though, there in lies the rub. I'm getting bored with the sniping and the lack of balls any candidate has to mention "Gay and Lesbian" in a speech. Maybe it's only cool behing closed doors. Baaah.

Happy February and remember to get out the vote. And clean your gutters.