A Return to food, part two.

With the Master Cleanse behind me, I'm eligble for fresh juice and raw vegetable. Yeah, that's exactly what I want. I've been dreaming of pizza since the beginning of the cleanse and want one for breakfast on saturday. Or maybe sushi. Or maybe angel hair.

Seeing as I've lost 13 pounds, I know that it's a tad extreme, I anticipate putting back on five, but want to do it lean. So I'm exercising, get ready for this.................................Moderation. I'm experimenting with this little Way Of Life in my diet for now and we'll see if we'll cross-utilize it. Chicken breasts, seeds, legumes, broccoli, soy, tofu and smaller portions. Moderation. Me. What is this world coming to.?



I've returned to food and lay your eyes on my first meal.................................exciting isn't it. My sweet neighbor, Sheila brought me over a little treat today. She brought me a gorgonzola, mushroom stuffed hamburger. I thanked her and recognized her as my favorite drug dealer on the street.

A return to food.

Well fourteen days later I'm 13 pounds lighter and amazingly spry. I really enjoy doing this cleanse for two reasons. I get rid of all that nasty winter weight and I get 'clean' (liver, lungs and spirit. It really is my own personal rehab. I'm trendy on the inside, where it counts. Way down deep I'm really superficial. And thin. Did I mention thin.

So as a return to food is in order I get to execute all the fantasies I've been acruing since day one of my Personal Passages. I thought, "Angel Hair. Pizza. Crab. Rack of lamb. Ham. Pizza. Chocolate. Ice cream. Pizza." And you guessed it, pizza one. Today however I must have fresh juice and maybe raw foods. Simple coaching for the tum tum. So just like the last two weeks I awoke and squoze fruit. Then I got out of bed. Har har Har. I did pound some oranges into submission and had the best glass of juice I've downed in a long while. I'm currently sipping some silver needle tea and planning a salad for lunch. Tommorrow will be safe and easy food and on saturday morning I'll have my pizza delivered for breakfast and trust me, you'll see pictures here. Have a blessed day.

Rabbit, rabbit.

Rabbit, rabbit.

Saying Rabbit, rabbit first thing on the first day of the month will bring you Good fortune. I don't know this as fact, but I do know it as superstition, and that's good enough for me.

Rabbit, rabbit.

Well a crazy year has passed and it has brought us a new one to play with. 2007 was a year of enormous change and growth and I hope the lessons learned provide the way to a great new year. 2008 holds interest to me as it is the long walk towards.....................................40. I'm also dabbling with calling it 39a, or Tony 4.0 or Cuarenta-dah (hands flourish)! You can insert any Green Mile joke you want to here. But make no mistake, I will welcome this opportunity with arms wide open and laughter raucous. I officially launch The 12 Days of 40 on the 17th of this month with some spectacular feet of strength and daring. Tune in to get all the details.

But as you all know, New Year's means Spring cleaning, speaking of inserting. And this annually involves The Master Cleanse, starting next Monday. Tune in for updates from my colon. Hey, my heads up there so often, I may as well start blogging from there.

Cleansed. Re-Toxin.

Here we go again.....

US Open post mortem, pre Morten's.

I wasn't sure what I would miss most, food, hooch, or smokes. It was definately the chewing thing. I could see it, I could smell it, it's inescapable in our culture. We are consumers, and we're called that for a reason. Everywhere we turn are little teasers to remind you that you must ingest to survive and how much more comfortable we'll be with the advertisers' products in us. My rotating list of what I would ingest first kept fluctuating as the media would manipulate me. One day it would be pasta, the next day steak, the next day an ice cold martini. But what would be the nicest to my squeeky clean system?

Well seeing as it is my first day back to normal eating after my Master Cleanse I need to set the pattern of how I'm going to preserve my pristine digestive tract. Yesterday was my all raw day with fruits, veggies and I snuck some miso broth into my body. You dont know how good my white peach was at lunch time. Oh. my. god. For dinner, a sweet potato and one of the most beautiful heirloom tomatoes you ever put your eyes on, it was so deep red it was almost black. I'm jazzed to be down eleven pounds, and am feeling a bit puny, I'm planning on putting on five pounds smart with lean muscle. I'm also going start with some oatmeal, doing the thirty day thing with oatmeal in the am; heartsmart. Probably lots of chicken. I'm looking at the big 10; lean protein, legumes, whole grains, olive oil, salmon, veggies, citrus fruit, berries, nuts and seeds, and tea. Powerfoods with antioxidants so I can live and blog forever.

My recommendations for those doing the Master Cleanse:

1. Start on the weekend. It's much easier to be miserable for the first couple days when you can limit social contact.
2. Hydration, hydration, hydration. The lemonade will give you all you need nutritionaly, but you need to supplement with flushing the body with the H20 in tandem.
3. Get a juicer. Doing this by hand? Are you crazy? I dont have time for this.
4. Learn to like cayenne. It's important, mucus needs to be broken down.
5. Get plenty of rest, don't push your immune system, it's the only one you got.
6. The laxative tea is key in the night.
7. The seasalt water flush is key in the morning.
8. Brush your tongue. When your tongue is clean and pink, it's the time to break the diet. Otherwise it's gonna be a murky mess while you detox.
9. Break the diet in stages as recommended, don't bring yourself this far and crash and burn by pushing your system with that piece of pizza "you deserve". Go juice. Go raw. Eat smart.
10. Enjoy the journey, as well as the results. The clarity you receive is amazing and your skin will look fantastic. If you're going to deny yourself someting fun, at least take joy elsewhere. Remember if you cant' love the one you want, love the one your with.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to decide which steak to have for lunch. It's all I really wanted.

US Open, The Rehab; or;Tu Juice, La Moose?

It's over, and only the crying remains. Final weight loss eleven pounds. Skin clear, eyes perky and energy annoying. First day of rehab involves fresh oj to ready the stomach. As much as I want, slowly. Tommorrow is raw veg day! Raw fruit and salad! Like I'm livestock in a petting zoo, well basically I am. Bullwinkle's the name, silliness the game.

And speaking of the Dali Llama (herder) I bring you the wise words of J, who witnessed the cleanse and whom many of you demanded testimonial to detemine if the good mood I experienced was actually starvation induced hallucinations. Here's J;

Yes, I do believe a testimonial is in order. It's true, Tony has successfully completed The Master Cleanse. Astonishingly, he was his normal, happy self the entire time. I could tell he took it easy the first few days expecting to be tired but after a few days, he evidently didn't see much change in his energy level and was out there running and swimming like usual. Isn't that annoying? He's definitely lost a noticable amount of weight and says he feels great. I hope he does because he deserves it, this is not an easy thing to do. Please ... it's hard enough to watch. So kudos to Tony! > > One side note, detoxifying can be associated with body odor as the detoxifying process can exude from all pores. Now doesn't that want to just make you jump on the bandwagon. Joe

But enough about my colon.......

It's sunday evening and a fine cap to sunday funday. It began with the sunday paper, jazz and a lemonade. It then continued with a fine walk thru the Japanese Gardens of the Sepulveda Reclaimed Water Facility in arid Van Nuys. A lemonade break was in order before that ever so lovely sunday nap. And then an amusing post or two was to be made for spatagram's series on my intestines. This lovely cartoon was brought to me by an associate and theatrical opperative; Kacy. She brings to theater what Sidney Greene brought to Alias; A great roundhouse kick. I'd love to post more, but the lemonade is so cold.

US Open pX, dX.

Believe it or not, it's ten days later, ten pounds lighter and one spiffy new intestinal tract. Can you believe it, I'm over caffeine, nicotine and ready for wine and steak. There must be compromise. I'm planning on putting some of the weight back on smartly, low fat, low carb and high protein. With lots of fruit and vegetables. But I'm very pleased with the cleanse.

I'll be glad to leave the juicing process, such a mess to contend with. The seeds, the juicer, the time involved. The carrying around of my nutrients in a jug transforms an adult male into a bottle toting toddler. Maybe that wasn't as great a jump as I've led you to believe. Joe will be glad for me to leave the cleanse process as my smell has been one of a detoxer. It's an almost chemical smell, with a slight funk. I almost smell like a pack of dried shitaake mushrooms, celophane and staples included. It's bizzarre. I catch it on myself to and try to mask it by brushing my tongue, bathing and liberally applying deoderant. You heard me.

With the cleanse over, now comes the rehab process. This involves getting let back into the Eating Community slowly. Tommorrow is juice day, and tuesday too. Wednesday is raw day; veggies and fruit. I leave the land of detox with a salad and simple broth to commence eating normally on thursday. Will there be blog? You betcha. Will there be Pellegrino? You betcha. Is there a filet in the future? You betcha, and probably even a foto or two.

US Open part nine, day nine.

I can see the light! The Fridge light! Weightloss total is ten pounds. I'm feeling fantastic, a little hungry, but fantastic. Tommorrow is the last regimented day of the lemonade, and then on to juice and then raw vegetables! Wow.

US Open parts seven and eight, days seven and eight.

Seven pounds yesterday. Eight pounds today. To date:

32 lemons
2 32 oz. trader joes 10% pure grade b amber maple syrup
4 tsps. cayenne pepper
8 oz. sea salt
8 Smooth Move Herbal Teas.
12 gallons water
6 triple roll Cottonelle with Ripples.

I cant wait to have a steak. And a blooming onion. And a cheesecake. And a Fosters Lager.

US Open, part six, day six.

Alright, so I'm starting to get real obnoxious about the success that this has brought me. I'm loving this cleanse, missing eating terribly. Soooon.................... . To date it's six pounds lost and sixty pounds clarity found. Amazing. The sisters are into it too and getting ready to do it. I cant tell anyone enough that IT IS A COMMITTMENT. I'm counting down the days to solid food but enjoying the ride. I have amazing energy and a great peace of mind. Just when it's usually me giving a piece of mine.............

US Open, part five, day five.

Five is the lucky number. My weightloss has stablized at five pounds lost and I feel great. I miss eating but know that I'm hitting the halfway mark in the cleanse. Everyone is suprised at the commitment I've made and that I'm doing it rather easily. To tell the truth, so am I. Here we are at day five, and I'm pleasent as punch. Kind of annoyingly so, at least to me. I feel so safe, and clean that it's unnerving. I went to yoga this morning and had amazing relaxation and now I'm off to swim. This should be interesting as I usually have to medicate before I get in the pool. There's a section in Burrow's The Master Cleanse where he extols the virtues of the cayenne pepper to aid in the defeating of allergies. I hold a great one for chlorine and cant wait to test his hypothesis. Sept, the fifth, and alls well.

US Open, part four, day four.

I feel fantastic. As long as I know there is a bathroom nearby. Total weight loss to date is five pounds. I'm still not overusing the lemonade and hydrating well. Ran two miles today and a killer ab workout. Cant wait for a rib dinner with dr pepper and popcorn shrimp, but I digress. These tangents pop in to your head at the darndest of times but also retreat quicker and quicker. It's a lot like when you quit smoking, how the urge lessens and lessens with each passing day. OOooooooh lemontarts with blueberries, ice cold, served with arnold palmers with mint sprigs. And a marlboro light. What was I saying...........................oh yes, the urge curbs quicker and quicker as each mouthwatering temptation poptarts in to your head.

I have plenty of energy and am no longer lightheaded so those of you who keep moving my truck around can stop, I'll no longer be gaslit. Stop rearranging the furniture and then putting it back in the original position, I know what you're doing, especially you, and you know who you are. Capisc? I am no longer lightheaded or paranoid. How did I get here and what am I doing. Oooooh, a ring-ding would be nice, maybe a two bite brownie, or better yet a mallowmar. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

US Open, part three, day three.

Total weight loss is four pounds, mostly water. I'm not drinking too much of the lemondade. The recommended is six to ten glasses (10 oz.) I'm drinking about seven. I havent overexerted myself in the exercise department as I'm waiting to see how my energy levels arise and ebb. I did work a saturday night at the restaurant after running two miles and doing most of my strength training and felt pretty great. Today I'm off and all I want to do is ransack the fridge.

I also started the saltwater cleansing today. That's the ingesting of a quart of h20nacl to broom clean your system. AND HOW. By the end of this the only toxins I should have left will be my lurid imagination and vicious tongue. It's an exodus of the first order.I'm starting to feel like a cookie cutter shape. The saltwater is to be taken in tandem with lax/teas to keep the choreography a-moving. Like a salty dance captain in a summerstock company, you learn urgency at the beat-beat of their call.

I feel good and have taken to naming the voices in my head. I cant get over that I havent had something solid to eat in three days, and I'm not even sick. This is a pretty neat little trip. I see dancing porterhouses in the room in the Ally McBeal dancing baby vein. They spin, they sizzle (har har), and even bow. Bow, Bough, Bowel, Bow Wow Wow. Buh bye, dance captains calling....

US Open, part two.

So as the Master Cleanse begins I have one major observation; Food is everywhere. Radio, Internet, TV, underfoot, in the stores, even on the street, consumers are enlisted to consume. We really do eat with our eyes first, and with marketing so readily available, we are well fed. My eyes were trippin out of my head as today I officially switched to a liquid diet for ten days. While I've had liquid diets before, this one I may actually recall in the morning. There is a slight buzz in the back of my head that is the chewing and eating ritual identifying itself as a habit. I try to extinguish the buzz with the elixir, but it returns. I found my mood to be normalish, but my temper quick to ignite. My sense of smell started to return, and we'll see what tommorrow will bring. Thanks Lu Lu.

US Open.

As Agassi retires, I repell. I am embarking on a ten to fourteen day cleanse. A return to arms, if you will. I am accepting the Master Cleanse by Stanley Burroughs, a diet of lemonade. The beverage of choice is a concoction of maple syrup, water, fresh lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Supposedly it's all the nutritional value I will need and you can exist on this for as long as forty days. I don't think I will set up residence as long as that. If you know me you know that I supercede the 85% human body is water quotient for being more like 96%. I love me my cocktails. I love me my pasta for that matter or as matter may go, I love me my food. I am forgoing all of that and my daily vitamins to purge my system of iniquities. I know that somewhere in the recesses of my colon is part of a filet that I ingested at some straight couples wedding while dancing the Macarena. It's there, I heard Cher, and now its merde. I am in the throws of Burroughs. I intend to document the cruelty here for your enter-tailment. And mine.
This time, it's personal.

I know that you will find this entertainment. It's like taking amusement in someone's pain, schadenfreude, you cant help but smile. Like watching a slinky come down the stairs, not really worth a lot but you can't help but smile. I look forward to the amusement, and the enlightenment, as my digestive tract gets a broom cleaning. My love has bought a pizza for my debaucherous goodnite to substance. With mushrooms, and a larger size than he would normally buy, I am saying goodbye to substance. A bottle of Stoli also plays a significant role. My man rules. I am an amazing man, and Joe is better. Nuff.

I swill Stoli, eat pizza, and smoke my last Marlboro Light and prepare for the day, tommorrow, that I purge. I pity anyone in my way that is uninformed, underdressed, and unapreciative of what life is. I will make someone cry, and I hope it's not you. The grapes of wrath is coming, out of my colon, but tune in for daily updates, cuz it should be a lu-lu.

xoxoxoooxoxooxooxo

madman in noho